If I Were a Superhero

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were more fantastic than I already am. I realize that the only way to make a great thing better is to either cover it with cheese or make it a superhero, and since I don't want to be eaten by a rodent, I favor the latter.

So, what would I do if I were a superhero? I would save lives, naturally, but I must be practical about this. There is no way that I will get up to Superman's level of saving planets every other month. (Superman is cheap, anyway) I need to be able to do what I do in an efficient manner that allows me to be useful to the general populace, but also in a way that will prevent me from ever losing a love interest.

I've already lost Mark Wahlberg. I can't go through that again. I'm not Batman.

So, here is what I would do if I were a superhero!

I would never have a sidekick

Sidekicks make everything so complicated. Let's take a look at Batman. He has Robin and Batgirl. Robin made things complicated by either being a damsel in distress or by being just plain obnoxious, and Batgirl made things more complicated by being a woman.

Curse you, irresistibly tight costumes.

Anyway, as a superhero, I'm already going to have so many connections that having help from a constant source would be more of a hindrance than a benefit. I could get attached to my sidekick, so he would become a liability. The enemy will constantly go after him.

So my sidekicks would die so often, it would cost more to keep having them than not.

Let's take a look at Batman again. He has Robin. Did you know that there isn't ONE Robin, but tons of separate Robins? This is because most Robins have the pleasure of dying horribly. (Unless he goes solo and becomes Nightwing. Sheesh.) In fact, Robin used to die so often that one comic cover had Batman entering a room, see Robin hanging by a noose from the ceiling, and shout, "Robin! Not AGAIN!" I'm not sure why Batman keeps getting Robins. I would get a falcon.



It might be cheaper to buy and train an actual robin.

I would live in an area completely consisting of one story buildings.

This way, if my love interest or Almondo gets kidnapped, the villain can never drop him off of a building, because the drop wouldn't be enough to kill him.

Unless the kidnapper is Batman and he's counting on it.

I wouldn't have superpowers. I would be insanely rich.

Let's face it, having superpowers is actually a bit of a pain. They come will a lot of strings attached. Even Superman has his kryptonite. Rogue kills whatever she touches. Mystique's natural form is blue. Flash has to worry about running into walls all the time.

No, I shall be rich! Rich I say! And I will build whatever I need to save the day. We are getting to the point where technology can cover just about anything. I think I might have to marry Tony Stark to have access to these kind of things, but I can live with this.

The only problem with being rich is that being wealthy comes with being famous, so it would be easy for my cover to be blown. The only way to avoid this is either just give away my identity, or be so overt that I'm covert.

I would wear a practical costume.

I feel sorry for female superheroes. For some reason they feel like they have to wear outfits that give everything away. Wonderwoman wears a bathing suit, for Pete's sake. I guess that makes it easy to move around, but what are you trying to do, distract your enemies into submission with your triple D bra size?

My costume would probably be shorts and a suitable top. This way, I will be modest and not be flaunting my limited assets.

I guess I don't have the proportions to be a female superhero, anyway. Remind me to buy an inflatable bra and a corset.

I would kill my arch nemesis

I'm not sure why superheroes can't bring themselves to kill their arch nemesis. I value every human life, but certain people have wasted the gifts they have been given and chose evil instead. Some people just like to watch the world burn, and these people need to go.

I would stay away from science labs.
I told you, I don't want superpowers. Get me away from those things.

I would stay away from vats of toxic waste.

Hey! No! Why do you leave those things uncovered anyway?

I would stay away from outer space.

What lurks out there, I don't know. I'm staying away from it. Besides, I don't want the radiation from an exploding star to give me superpowers or anything. That would be awful.

I would treat everyone fairly.

People can hold a grudge for the smallest things. It's best to treat everyone equally, lest they go rotten and try to kill you. I mean, all it takes is a lab spill to turn your best friend into a bald, raging psychopath.

I would do everything in my power to make sure Gotham City never exists.

NEVER.

I would do everything in my power to make sure Metropolis never exists.

The buildings are too high.

I will resist playing games of chess with my enemy while the world descends into chaos.

Chess is fun, but it isn't that fun.

I wouldn't let my unclean elephant run rampant in the bubblegum fields.

Just . . . why?

I wouldn't get married.

The death rate of your loved ones seems to go up once you marry them.

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Well, there you have it. Sorry for this pathetic post, but I hope you enjoyed it a little bit. I've decided that being a superhero might be too much work.

I'm going to be a ninja!

Don't go swimming in toxic waste,

Esther